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My partner may be a Porn Addict – What should I do?

My partner may be a Porn Addict – What should I do?

Written by: Andrew da Roza, Addictions Therapist, Sex Addiction Specialist

With the introduction of the fast speed Internet, a new addiction was born – Internet porn addiction. 

One client who has fallen down the “Rabbit Hole” of porn addiction reports: 

“I saw porn in Manga mags and comics when I was in my early teens and occasionally saw a porn mag. 

It wasn’t until the fast speed Internet came in and I could stream videos on my mobile phone and iPad, that I started to watch it regularly. After a year or so, I started to watch it every day at home, when I was alone. 

Later on, I started watching it in the bathroom of the office; then at my desk, and finally, in public places and on public transport – I am amazed I wasn’t caught by someone!”

Some clients come to therapy to kick the porn habit because they recognize that they have a problem. They have been “caught” multiple times by their partner – always promising to stop. 

Or they may have inadvertently left sites open on the family computer. Some even get called in by HR at work and asked to explain the hundreds of times they have logged into porn sites, which the IT department has uncovered.   

Others don’t see they have a problem – even when their experiencing porn-related erectile dysfunction, anejaculation, or loss of libido and intimacy with their partners and spouses. 

They may simply consider this distressing, though natural, change in their relationship – a product of familiarity and boredom.  

As it turns out – they may be quite wrong – because there is nothing “natural” about porn. It’s toxic and it can effectively hijack intimate relationships, which could otherwise have been healthy and fulfilling.

Clients with porn use compulsivity often say:

“I wouldn’t have come to therapy unless my partner had given me an ultimatum – “get help or we break up!”.

And it’s also common to hear: 

“At first I thought I would just see a therapist once or twice to appease her, and let her know I want us to stay together”. 

However, after discussing in therapy how long a client has been using porn, how frequently they were using it, where they were using it – and the type of porn they have digressed to watching – they often realize all the risks they are taking with their relationships, marriage, families, and their jobs or their studies.

One client reports:
“the therapists gave me a detailed questionnaire. I was staggered by the report that came out. Seeing my behaviour over the last few years, what motivated me to do it, and how it changed me and my relationships, I became really worried.”

“I hadn’t realized that because of porn, I was losing interest in sex with her, I wasn’t present for my family, and I was getting irritated, restless and discontent at home and at work.

I thought that my problem with my sex drive and erections was our relationship – not the porn.”

These revelations, and many more, may be tough for a person with porn compulsion but at least they may be motived to take recovery actions. 

But what about the partner or spouse? They may be feeling frustrated, angry, fearful and ashamed. They may be devastated. 

They may be confused when friends, relatives and the community at large believe that porn is the “new norm” and that “boys will be boys”. 

What can they do? 

While relationships are all as different and unique as the people in them, there may be some common actions that spouses and partners may wish to consider. 

These include:

  • Attend therapy with the person who has porn use compulsivity – and learn about Internet porn addiction. How it arises; what it looks like; is the behaviour compulsive – or is it a moral issue, a lack of discipline, selfishness – or have they just stopped loving or desiring me?
    In a couples’ session, you can also learn what the recovery actions are, what it takes to succeed in recovery, and how you will know that he is in recovery – and will he ever do it again?

 

  • Read about porn addiction and how porn changes the brain. There are many good websites with excellent information. Fight the “New Drug”, “NoFap”, and “Your Brain on Porn” are but a few sites with good articles and videos. Robert Weiss, Paula Hall and Stephanie Carnes also have helpful YouTube videos.   

 

  • Insist that your partner initiates a regularly weekly couples’ check-in session; in which he shares: what actions he taken in his recovery that week and what he has learned; what actions he hasn’t done and why; what he will do next week; and what help he needs from you – and you always have the right to say “no”, or “yes, but…”. 

 

  • Judge his recovery only by his actions – not by his promises, intentions, desires or apologies. What he says is important – but what he actually does, is definitive.    

 

  • Create physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual boundaries with him – and have consequences that you apply – without fail – whenever those boundaries are breached. 

   

  • Stay connected with others about how you are doing and don’t isolate – but be cautious who you tell about his porn compulsion; only choose a few trustworthy friends or relations. Do not talk to everyone, including your children, when you are angry, in a rage, frustrated – or to retaliate – you are very likely to regret it later.

    If you think an age-appropriate disclosure is beneficial for the children, work on a script together; and allow the person with the porn compulsion to deliver it. It is their responsibility to hold themselves accountable for their actions.

 

  • Take really good care of yourself. Treat yourself kindly and compassionately.  Eat three healthy meals a day; sleep seven to eight hours; exercise regularly; take up yoga, Tai Chi and meditation. There are a wealth of Apps and YouTube videos out there – Calm, HeadSpace and Insight Timer are popular meditation Apps. Spend time with friends and family; take up new interests and hobbies – seek to relax and allow joy into your life. 

 

  • Porn blocking software administration. If you are open to it, you may be asked to be the security administrator for the porn blocking software that will prevent porn from being seen on his devices and the family computer. Consider carefully whether this would cause you more distress – or whether you wish to support him by ensuring that the security blocking software is in place.  

 

  • Consider seeing your own therapist – sometimes porn and deceit can be felt as profoundly as a relationship betrayal. It takes time and help to get through the trauma.

    Some partners feel shame, and some question whether they are the cause of the porn compulsion. Some partners are confused and devastated by all the lies and deceit. They don’t know what is real anymore. Talking to a supportive therapist can help you through this.

 


Photo by Grzegorz Walczak on Unsplash

Addictions in the Digital Age: Technology – The Accelerator of both the Problem and the Solution

Addictions in the Digital Age: Technology – The Accelerator of both the Problem and the Solution

Written by: Andrew da Roza, Addictions Therapist, Sex Addiction Specialist

Ever since people first crushed and fermented grapes, the dark hand of alcoholism has been present. When the first games of chance and competition were born – so too was the addiction to gambling.  

We can well imagine that abusing cannabis came, even as it was used for medicinal and religious purposes in the 3rd millennium BC. 

And breathing in the toxic smoke from burning tobacco was a daily human habit, well before Christopher Columbus landed in the Americas in 1492 and brought it back to Europe. 

But now, in our digital age, technology has accelerated our addictions.

And the stress and isolation brought to us by COVID-19 have pushed many to addictions they never thought they had.  

Alcohol and cigarettes can be delivered to our doors from digital orders placed on mobile phones. The Dark Web and chemistry have conspired to create hazardous new psychoactive substances that pose as cannabis, available with a few keystrokes on a laptop. An Internet poker or roulette game can be found 24 hours a day, every day of the year. The Internet has sped us down the path of over-shopping, over-eating, and over-playing competitive games.

Ever adaptable and flexible, the Internet has even created new addictions – such as Internet pornography and anonymous sex “dating”. 

If we are unlucky enough to fall down these digital “rabbit holes”, what are the results? Alice’s Wonderland? Or: failing health and finances; anxiety; depression; isolation, fractious and failing relationships, lost schooling and jobs; self-harm; and suicidal thoughts. “Jails, institutions and death” – as Alcoholics Anonymous warn us. A life without meaning, purpose or dignity.

But just as addictions have been accelerated by technology and new ones invented, technology has also enabled us to make recovery more convenient, available, cheaper, effective, and timely. 

The longest journey for people suffering from addictions has been from the “bottle” to the therapy room. Any number of “barriers” stood in the way. Not enough time, not enough money, not enough knowledge of which therapist to see or what recovery involves. 

But the biggest barrier of all to entering recovery was shame.

Now, therapy can be done on the Internet: information about therapists can be Googled; prices compared; social service agencies offering low-cost therapy or even free therapy can be found, and rich information and video testimonies on the recovery journey can be reviewed.  

Best of all, Zoom therapy can be conducted with a therapist “once removed” from the personal space of the client by computer screens – and in the comfort of the client’s own living room or bedroom. Clients could even maintain much of their anonymity. In this safe space, shame may deign to take a back seat.

With digital recovery free from barriers, even if the sufferer is still reluctant to seek help, they may be more inclined to reflect on why they remain reluctant to get and receive help. If they do start to reflect honestly – they have started their first step on their recovery journey. 

But more can be done with digital recovery. 

I would submit that the next significant step in using the Internet to accelerate recovery is to bring the therapist to the clients where they are – on the sites that feed their addictions and perpetuate their suffering.

A therapist could join as a “player” in Animal Crossing, Fornite, a poker or roulette game. They can then engage suffering players in unthreatening and therapeutic conversations. Perhaps PornHub will produce an avatar “ambassador” – a therapist who guides users through a porn compulsiveness assessment? Perhaps the GrabEats avatar therapist will help customers with alcohol and calorie counts, consumption and portion control, alcohol use and dietary information – and motivational conversations to help customers build their resolve.     

Engaging suffering people in their digital space opens a whole new avenue for the helping professional to guide someone towards a path of meaning and purpose.

Therapists may wish to think “Digital” – and harness the power of technology to enrich people’s lives – even if technology can also impoverish them. 


Photo by Taras Shypka on Unsplash

Living with a Sex Addict – Pt. 1

Living with a Sex Addict – Pt. 1

My partner says his sexual behavior is normal – but he is hiding it and I know something is wrong. Am I crazy? What are the signs of compulsive sexual behavior disorder?

Partners of people with sexual compulsivity often come to the clinic in great distress.

They have just learned about the latest infidelity, daily Internet porn use, visits to Orchard Towers, massage parlors or KTV lounges. The images accidently left on the family computer may be shocking or alarming.   

Perhaps they have discovered condoms in the person’s luggage after a business trip, unexplained expenses on their credit cards, and unexplained absences from their hotel rooms late at night when they tried to call the person. Childrens’ birthdays, graduations and family celebrations may be mysteriously abandoned for “essential” business trips.

Partners may notice strange messages or nude photos on the mobiles; or perhaps odd phone calls at night, that seem to make the person excited or embarrassed. They may come home intoxicated at 3:00 am, after a night out with colleagues, with unexplained credit cards slips in their pockets for hundreds or thousands of dollars. They may find an STI clinic report.   

The person acting out will likely try to vigorously “manage” all this fallout with their partners.  

They may rationalize, minimize, intellectualize, normalize – or simply lie, to explain away all this overwhelming cumulative evidence. They may “gaslight” their partner, making them think they are crazy.

And it may work…for a time.

Meanwhile partners may feel: shocked; rejected; confused; angry, even rageful; anxious; and depressed. They may even blame themselves and feel inadequate as a partner and  ashamed.

They may: become irritable, angry or overly anxious with their children; stop doing things they enjoyed, stop seeing people; forego self-care and grooming; or try to become overly sexual and breach their own boundaries to save the relationship.

They may become sleepless, without appetite and lose weight – or over eat and gain weight; and they may use medication and alcohol to numb their emotional pain. They may keep getting flus and colds that refuse to go away; or chronic backaches and neck aches that make sleep or activities painful.

The shame may be crushing.

Some partners may have experienced earlier traumas in their own childhood or adulthood, in which emotional and sexual or other physical abuse, neglect and rejection were prevalent.  The acting out person’s behavior may therefore trigger strong trauma reactions, and lead to bonded relationship traumas, resulting in self-harm or even attempted suicide.

How can a partner respond when they get a feeling something is not quite right?

If they can persuade the person acting out to undertake a clinical assessment, the person will be able to understand that their behavior has become a serious self-destructive compulsion, and that they need treatment.

Even if the person won’t attend therapy, the partner can take an assessment of the extent of their trauma, and the role of the person acting out. The partner can then receive sex addiction treatment, and explore the options for the family. Do they stay or go?

Promises Healthcare Pte Ltd. provides therapy for both those with compulsive sexual behavior and their partners, so that together they can find a way out of their suffering and plan a better future for their families.  

Living with a Sex Addict – Pt. 2

Living with a Sex Addict – Pt. 2

“My partner’s sexual behaviour has left me devastated – should I stay or should I go?”

Many clients come to therapy wondering whether they should leave or stay, after they have discovered their partner’s infidelity, or other compulsive sexual behavior. This may include a combination of: serial affairs at work; Internet pornography; sexual massages; use of sex workers; and use of anonymous dating Apps. Excessive alcohol, drugs and workaholism may also be involved.  

Even though the behavior is intolerable or very risky, and causing great suffering – there may often seem compelling reasons to stay.

Young children may be involved. If the acting out partner has been a “good enough” parent, the children will suffer greatly if they leave. Further, the burden of parenting the children alone may seem too much.

The client may worry about the family finances – that they may not be able to support themselves and their children if the partner withholds money or does not agree to split the money appropriately.

The client may have to return to their country of origin and may not be able to bring the children with them, if their partner contests this.

Leaving may cause the client great shame, particularly with their family, friends and work colleagues.

The client may fear loneliness; or may ardently fantasize that things will get back to the way they were – eventually. After all, the couple may have a long, shared history, and may have weathered many other difficulties together.

Starting with a new relationship in future may be as daunting as living alone forever.

Some clients may be so angry and resentful, that leaving may seem like the partner getting away it. Leaving may appear like giving the partner a license to continue their intolerable behavior – unchecked and unavenged. It may result in the partners frittering the family money away.

Friends and family may be unhelpful – full of directive and conflicting advice.  Clients may be ashamed, or too anxious of the reaction they will receive to even share about their suffering.

However, some clients are unaware that there may be a solution to sex addiction.

If the partner is assessed for a compulsive sexual behavior disorder and subsequently undertakes recovery; and the client works in therapy on taking care of themselves; learning and growing from the experience; and improving their relationship – there may still be hope in keeping the family together.

Ultimately, both need to work on themselves and the relationship, if it is to be saved.

But the first step may just be contacting a professional to seek help.

Promises Healthcare Pte. Ltd. provides support for both the partner and the person suffering from compulsive sexual behavior and can help the couple to work on the solution.  

Can Sexual Behaviour Also Be Compulsive?

Can Sexual Behaviour Also Be Compulsive?

There is a proposed new law on exploitative sexual relationships – but can sexual behaviour also be compulsive?

The proposed new law in Singapore that will make sexually exploitative relationships a new offence, is controversial because it results in prison and corporal punishment. 

https://www.singaporelawwatch.sg/Results/what-constitutes-an-exploitative-sexual-relationship-proposed-law-on-new-sex-crimes-sparks-debate

Those suffering from compulsive sexual behaviour are urged to seek treatment before they become embroiled in criminal prosecution. 

The World Health Organisation has included compulsive sexual behaviour as a mental disorder in the recently published International Classification of Diseases, Edition 11. 

Do you have a persistent pattern, over 6 months or more, of being powerless over controlling intense, repetitive sexual impulses and urges, which result in repetitive sexual behaviour? Has this behaviour made your life, and the lives of loved ones, unmanageable? 

As with other addictions, the disorder results in neglecting health and personal care, family, work and other responsibilities. 

Typically, those with this compulsive  behaviour have made numerous unsuccessful efforts to significantly reduce it – but it continues, despite severely adverse consequences. 

Clinicians qualified in sex addiction treatment use validated and reliable questionnaires and detailed clinical histories to assess clients, in order to determine whether they have a sexual behaviour disorder. These clinical tools have high sensitivity in detecting the disorder. 

There are also clear therapeutic protocols to assist a client into and through recovery, substantially reducing the risk of re-offending behaviour. 

Contact Andrew da Roza, a qualified and trained addictions psychotherapist, at Promises Healthcare Pte. Ltd.