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My partner may be a Porn Addict – What should I do?

My partner may be a Porn Addict – What should I do?

Written by: Andrew da Roza, Addictions Therapist, Sex Addiction Specialist

With the introduction of the fast speed Internet, a new addiction was born – Internet porn addiction. 

One client who has fallen down the “Rabbit Hole” of porn addiction reports: 

“I saw porn in Manga mags and comics when I was in my early teens and occasionally saw a porn mag. 

It wasn’t until the fast speed Internet came in and I could stream videos on my mobile phone and iPad, that I started to watch it regularly. After a year or so, I started to watch it every day at home, when I was alone. 

Later on, I started watching it in the bathroom of the office; then at my desk, and finally, in public places and on public transport – I am amazed I wasn’t caught by someone!”

Some clients come to therapy to kick the porn habit because they recognize that they have a problem. They have been “caught” multiple times by their partner – always promising to stop. 

Or they may have inadvertently left sites open on the family computer. Some even get called in by HR at work and asked to explain the hundreds of times they have logged into porn sites, which the IT department has uncovered.   

Others don’t see they have a problem – even when their experiencing porn-related erectile dysfunction, anejaculation, or loss of libido and intimacy with their partners and spouses. 

They may simply consider this distressing, though natural, change in their relationship – a product of familiarity and boredom.  

As it turns out – they may be quite wrong – because there is nothing “natural” about porn. It’s toxic and it can effectively hijack intimate relationships, which could otherwise have been healthy and fulfilling.

Clients with porn use compulsivity often say:

“I wouldn’t have come to therapy unless my partner had given me an ultimatum – “get help or we break up!”.

And it’s also common to hear: 

“At first I thought I would just see a therapist once or twice to appease her, and let her know I want us to stay together”. 

However, after discussing in therapy how long a client has been using porn, how frequently they were using it, where they were using it – and the type of porn they have digressed to watching – they often realize all the risks they are taking with their relationships, marriage, families, and their jobs or their studies.

One client reports:
“the therapists gave me a detailed questionnaire. I was staggered by the report that came out. Seeing my behaviour over the last few years, what motivated me to do it, and how it changed me and my relationships, I became really worried.”

“I hadn’t realized that because of porn, I was losing interest in sex with her, I wasn’t present for my family, and I was getting irritated, restless and discontent at home and at work.

I thought that my problem with my sex drive and erections was our relationship – not the porn.”

These revelations, and many more, may be tough for a person with porn compulsion but at least they may be motived to take recovery actions. 

But what about the partner or spouse? They may be feeling frustrated, angry, fearful and ashamed. They may be devastated. 

They may be confused when friends, relatives and the community at large believe that porn is the “new norm” and that “boys will be boys”. 

What can they do? 

While relationships are all as different and unique as the people in them, there may be some common actions that spouses and partners may wish to consider. 

These include:

  • Attend therapy with the person who has porn use compulsivity – and learn about Internet porn addiction. How it arises; what it looks like; is the behaviour compulsive – or is it a moral issue, a lack of discipline, selfishness – or have they just stopped loving or desiring me?
    In a couples’ session, you can also learn what the recovery actions are, what it takes to succeed in recovery, and how you will know that he is in recovery – and will he ever do it again?

 

  • Read about porn addiction and how porn changes the brain. There are many good websites with excellent information. Fight the “New Drug”, “NoFap”, and “Your Brain on Porn” are but a few sites with good articles and videos. Robert Weiss, Paula Hall and Stephanie Carnes also have helpful YouTube videos.   

 

  • Insist that your partner initiates a regularly weekly couples’ check-in session; in which he shares: what actions he taken in his recovery that week and what he has learned; what actions he hasn’t done and why; what he will do next week; and what help he needs from you – and you always have the right to say “no”, or “yes, but…”. 

 

  • Judge his recovery only by his actions – not by his promises, intentions, desires or apologies. What he says is important – but what he actually does, is definitive.    

 

  • Create physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual boundaries with him – and have consequences that you apply – without fail – whenever those boundaries are breached. 

   

  • Stay connected with others about how you are doing and don’t isolate – but be cautious who you tell about his porn compulsion; only choose a few trustworthy friends or relations. Do not talk to everyone, including your children, when you are angry, in a rage, frustrated – or to retaliate – you are very likely to regret it later.

    If you think an age-appropriate disclosure is beneficial for the children, work on a script together; and allow the person with the porn compulsion to deliver it. It is their responsibility to hold themselves accountable for their actions.

 

  • Take really good care of yourself. Treat yourself kindly and compassionately.  Eat three healthy meals a day; sleep seven to eight hours; exercise regularly; take up yoga, Tai Chi and meditation. There are a wealth of Apps and YouTube videos out there – Calm, HeadSpace and Insight Timer are popular meditation Apps. Spend time with friends and family; take up new interests and hobbies – seek to relax and allow joy into your life. 

 

  • Porn blocking software administration. If you are open to it, you may be asked to be the security administrator for the porn blocking software that will prevent porn from being seen on his devices and the family computer. Consider carefully whether this would cause you more distress – or whether you wish to support him by ensuring that the security blocking software is in place.  

 

  • Consider seeing your own therapist – sometimes porn and deceit can be felt as profoundly as a relationship betrayal. It takes time and help to get through the trauma.

    Some partners feel shame, and some question whether they are the cause of the porn compulsion. Some partners are confused and devastated by all the lies and deceit. They don’t know what is real anymore. Talking to a supportive therapist can help you through this.

 


Photo by Grzegorz Walczak on Unsplash

Addictions in the Digital Age: Technology – The Accelerator of both the Problem and the Solution

Addictions in the Digital Age: Technology – The Accelerator of both the Problem and the Solution

Written by: Andrew da Roza, Addictions Therapist, Sex Addiction Specialist

Ever since people first crushed and fermented grapes, the dark hand of alcoholism has been present. When the first games of chance and competition were born – so too was the addiction to gambling.  

We can well imagine that abusing cannabis came, even as it was used for medicinal and religious purposes in the 3rd millennium BC. 

And breathing in the toxic smoke from burning tobacco was a daily human habit, well before Christopher Columbus landed in the Americas in 1492 and brought it back to Europe. 

But now, in our digital age, technology has accelerated our addictions.

And the stress and isolation brought to us by COVID-19 have pushed many to addictions they never thought they had.  

Alcohol and cigarettes can be delivered to our doors from digital orders placed on mobile phones. The Dark Web and chemistry have conspired to create hazardous new psychoactive substances that pose as cannabis, available with a few keystrokes on a laptop. An Internet poker or roulette game can be found 24 hours a day, every day of the year. The Internet has sped us down the path of over-shopping, over-eating, and over-playing competitive games.

Ever adaptable and flexible, the Internet has even created new addictions – such as Internet pornography and anonymous sex “dating”. 

If we are unlucky enough to fall down these digital “rabbit holes”, what are the results? Alice’s Wonderland? Or: failing health and finances; anxiety; depression; isolation, fractious and failing relationships, lost schooling and jobs; self-harm; and suicidal thoughts. “Jails, institutions and death” – as Alcoholics Anonymous warn us. A life without meaning, purpose or dignity.

But just as addictions have been accelerated by technology and new ones invented, technology has also enabled us to make recovery more convenient, available, cheaper, effective, and timely. 

The longest journey for people suffering from addictions has been from the “bottle” to the therapy room. Any number of “barriers” stood in the way. Not enough time, not enough money, not enough knowledge of which therapist to see or what recovery involves. 

But the biggest barrier of all to entering recovery was shame.

Now, therapy can be done on the Internet: information about therapists can be Googled; prices compared; social service agencies offering low-cost therapy or even free therapy can be found, and rich information and video testimonies on the recovery journey can be reviewed.  

Best of all, Zoom therapy can be conducted with a therapist “once removed” from the personal space of the client by computer screens – and in the comfort of the client’s own living room or bedroom. Clients could even maintain much of their anonymity. In this safe space, shame may deign to take a back seat.

With digital recovery free from barriers, even if the sufferer is still reluctant to seek help, they may be more inclined to reflect on why they remain reluctant to get and receive help. If they do start to reflect honestly – they have started their first step on their recovery journey. 

But more can be done with digital recovery. 

I would submit that the next significant step in using the Internet to accelerate recovery is to bring the therapist to the clients where they are – on the sites that feed their addictions and perpetuate their suffering.

A therapist could join as a “player” in Animal Crossing, Fornite, a poker or roulette game. They can then engage suffering players in unthreatening and therapeutic conversations. Perhaps PornHub will produce an avatar “ambassador” – a therapist who guides users through a porn compulsiveness assessment? Perhaps the GrabEats avatar therapist will help customers with alcohol and calorie counts, consumption and portion control, alcohol use and dietary information – and motivational conversations to help customers build their resolve.     

Engaging suffering people in their digital space opens a whole new avenue for the helping professional to guide someone towards a path of meaning and purpose.

Therapists may wish to think “Digital” – and harness the power of technology to enrich people’s lives – even if technology can also impoverish them. 


Photo by Taras Shypka on Unsplash

Straits Times Interview: “Drug Syndicates Get Crafty As Supply Disrupted, Prices Spike”

Straits Times Interview: “Drug Syndicates Get Crafty As Supply Disrupted, Prices Spike”

In an article titled “Drug syndicates get crafty as supply disrupted, prices spike”, Andrew da Roza, addictions therapist at Promises Healthcare, told Straits Times reporter Zaihan Mohamed Yusof that “anecdotally”, the costs of illegally imported prescription medication and illicit drugs have risen, “although supplies appear to be available”. Mr da Roza goes on to say that he has noticed that some drug addicts are managing withdrawal symptoms and cravings by substituting their drugs of choice with alcohol, new psychoactive substances and over-the-counter medication. The article also mentions that people may seek alternative methods to obtain illicit substances as supply chains are disrupted – such as turning to the Dark Web to get their needs fulfilled by mail.

It wrote that we (Promises) have seen a 25% increase in visits to the clinic “because people are having a harder time managing compulsive behaviours such as substance abuse, smoking and gambling during the circuit breaker period.”

If you are having trouble managing an addiction, you should know that Promises Healthcare has kept its doors open all through the pandemic in service of promoting mental health. Further, in keeping with social distancing measures, our clinic is also offering teleconsultations in place of regular visits. Support groups have also moved meetings online, which are going ahead as scheduled – on platforms like Zoom instead of physical gatherings. Do contact us for more details

COVID-19 AND ADDICTION – RECOVERY USING ONLINE THERAPY

COVID-19 AND ADDICTION – RECOVERY USING ONLINE THERAPY

Author : Andrew da Roza

COVID-19 has posed a challenge to everyone, and those more physically vulnerable in our community clearly need our care and attention. 

There are also people whose mental vulnerability deserves equal care.

Mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and addictions are exacerbated by a pandemic crisis in multiple ways. 

Collective family and community fears are (in themselves) contagious; and the constant bombardment of medical and financial bad news, can leave those with mental illnesses lost in a cascade of negative rumination and catastrophising. 

The mentally ill and people with addictions commonly have compromised immune systems, and suffer stress or substance, tobacco and alcohol abuse related diseases – leaving them wide open to severe pneumonia with acute respiratory distress symptoms – and other complications from COVID-19. 

Isolation, separation and loneliness – caused by working at home and social distancing – are perhaps the worst contributors to: low mood; agitation; irrational fears; moments of panic; self-disgust; resentment; anger; and even rage.

People whose ability to pause, use reason and find practical solutions can be severely compromised. They may find themselves bereft of the motivation, and ability to engage in even the simplest tasks of self-care. 

Added to this, listlessness, boredom and frustration can lead to despair. Then self-harm and suicidal thoughts may arise, take hold, and even overwhelm them.

Those in recovery or active addiction may also turn to their compulsive and impulsive behaviours of choice, to sooth and find momentary respite from the moods and thoughts that have hijacked their mind. Triggers, urges and cravings may become relentless and unbearable. 

The solution may begin with finding a way out of isolation. 

Starting the journey out of this darkness can start with talking to people who can demonstrate unconditional positive regard, show kindness and compassion, and help reframe the situation. Such people can assist those suffering to put a name to and validate their emotions. 

In short – therapy can help!

In times of COVID-19, working with a therapist via teleconsultation can be effective using ZOOM, Skype, WhatsApp video and FaceTime. 

Although the calming and soothing sensation of the physical presence of a therapist is absent, for those in isolation – distraught with shame and despair – Internet enabled therapy can prove a lifeline.   

Isolation can be further broken, using similar Internet methods, by attendance in recovery groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous – all of whom now hold Zoom meetings in Singapore. 

These Zoom opportunities in Singapore are supplemented by Zoom, Skype and telephone conference meetings in Hong Kong and Australia (in Singapore’s time zone) and in the U.K. and the US (during our mornings and evenings).             

Having broken the isolation, the second step therapists can provide is guidance and motivation towards self-care. This would include tapering or abstinence from the addictive substances or behaviour. A well thought through relapse intervention and prevention plan, specifically tailored to a person’s triggers, will also assist.

Triggers may be particular places, situations, people, objects or moods. 

The acronym “HALT” is often used by those in recovery; which stands for the triggers of being: Hungry; Angry; Lonely; or Tired.

When these triggers arise, people are encouraged to 

  • HALT their behaviour; 
  • breathe deeply, with long outward breaths;
  • think through consequences;
  • think about alternatives;
  • consult with others; and
  • use healthy tools to self-soothe.      

Daily mindfulness, meditation, exercise, sleep hygiene, healthy eating and following a medication regime are important aspects of self-care – and for some suffering mental illness – these actions – and time – may be all they need to find their footing again.

Luckily, the Internet gives a vast array of possible self-care options, including things to distract us, soothe us and improve us. 

Everything is available from: calming sounds and music; guided meditations; games; home exercise, yoga and tai chi; self-exploration and improvement videos; video chats with loved ones; to healthy food delivery options. They can all be had with a few keystrokes. 

Today we live at a time when suffering from mental illness and addictions is commonplace. But we also live at a time when the solutions are literally at our fingertips – if we only reach out for them. 

For information on teleconsultation for addiction therapy and addiction recovery meetings, contact:  Andrew da Roza at Promises Healthcare by email to andrew@promises.com.sg or by calling the Promises Healthcare clinic at: (+65) 6397 7309 

 

   

 

ONLINE SEX ADDICTION AND RECOVERY SUPPORT

ONLINE SEX ADDICTION AND RECOVERY SUPPORT

ZOOM –  A CRUCIAL ADDICTION RECOVERY AID

Author : Andrew da Roza

With COVID-19 forcing many of us to practice social distancing and to work from home; isolation and the constant access to Internet devices makes staying in recovery from compulsive sexual behaviour a very tall order. 

There are many reasons why COVID-19 is interrupting recovery from sex addiction. Restless, irritability, and discontent will inevitably arise for all of us, when our routines are disrupted – but there is more to it than that for people in recovery for addictions.  

Some will experience acute urges and cravings to act out because:

    • isolating at home, away from colleagues and friends leaves a recovering person lonely, and without the support of recovering others;
    • if they are now living 24 hrs a day with traumatised partners and disrupted families, tensions may reach flashpoints;
    •  some may already be very anxious and depressed, and the additional worry about health and contracting the virus may prove too much;
    • some may have suffered financial problems from their acting out, and may be  dismayed by their financial future, given the impact of COVID-19 is having on savings, jobs and salaries; 
    • they may now repeatedly look at electronic devices for work, COVID-19 news and distraction – and those may be the very devices that caused or exacerbated the problems in the first place;
    • unstructured time will inevitably lead to both the distress of ruminating about the consequences of the present, and the triggers of fantasising about past acting out.

When people are struggling with an addiction, their mind can play tricks on them. COVID-19 can present a series of excuses to put their recovery “on hold”. 

One person in recovery said

“I started to tell my wife that I was looking out for the family when I decided not to attend recovery meetings and therapy. She then asked whether there were other things I could do, that didn’t involve meeting others. 

I told her, pretty emphatically: “no, recovery requires the support of others”. 

Then she Googled and found recovery meetings online by Zoom, Skype, and telephone conference. I was stumped.  I realised that my mind was once again leading me astray. 

I checked with my therapist and found that I could do therapy by Zoom, and he also gave me lots of online recovery videos to watch, information to read, and exercises I could do. 

My sponsor and I now do our recovery work using WhatsApp video. 

Calling my recovery friends and supporters was what I was doing before COVID-19 anyway.    

I found that some of my recovery work, like meditation, prayer and daily gratitude lists is solitary work any way, and that I now have plenty of time to do that – if I chose to.” 

Many people had to finally admit that they could either work hard on their list of excuses – or they could work hard on their recovery – but not both.

One of the greatest problems that people find preventing them from finding and staying in recovery from sex addiction is shame. Online connectivity platforms like  Zoom, WhatsApp and other online social platforms can help with that. 

People feel safer engaging online – which is one step removed from physical interactions.  They feel greater comfort being at being home, in a familiar and secure space. They can also control whether and when they are seen or heard, and they can leave a meeting at any time.  

Partners and family of those in recovery may also feel more assured. Their loved ones are not outside the home visiting triggering locations. They are also demonstrating their commitment to staying the recovery course – virus or no virus.  

Partners and the whole family may also have more opportunity to join in healthy recovery activities – daily meditation, exercise, healthy eating, and good sleep hygiene.  

Being at home gives people in recovery a unique opportunity to initiate family activities like games, puzzles, movie watching, making meals, arts and crafts, walks and swims. In recovery, this is called: “making living amends”, to the loved ones who have been hurt.     

So at this isolating and stressful time, consider individual therapy and the STAR group therapy delivered by Zoom – and remain on the recovery path.  

 


Photo by LAUREN GRAY on Unsplash

Defeating Shame with Group Therapy for Sex Addiction

Defeating Shame with Group Therapy for Sex Addiction

The Paradox of Getting Started

Attending group therapy for compulsive sexual behaviours (sex addiction) is commonly very difficult.

The fear and shame associated with the compulsion, and the desire to hide and minimise the behaviour subsumes a person’s thoughts. This drowns their motivation to attend. Procrastination or an outright rejection of the benefits of therapy group becomes inevitable.

Ironically, it is the benefits of group therapy that would motivate a person to attend in the first place. But they not be willing to attend unless they get these benefits first.

A chicken and egg conundrum.

 

The Benefits of Group Therapy – Shame Busting

One of the main benefits is group therapy’s ability to “bust” shame and fear.  The same shame and fear that prevented the person from attending.

It is in a group environment of compassion, kindness and lack of judgment, that a person can find the courage to face their reality, and gain hope and purpose in their recovery.

In group, people discover that they are not alone in their secret thoughts, urges and cravings – and that they are not uniquely “broken”. It lifts the impossibly heavy weight of secrecy, lies and half-truths, that people carry – often for years.

They also find out that others – very much like them – have found a way to start a journey to change their behaviour, beliefs and feelings.

 

Sexual Compulsivity is an Issue of Intimacy

At its roots, sexual compulsivity is an issue of intimate relationships. Group therapy is therefore a uniquely effective way to learn how to build healthy relationships.

Having and maintaining personal boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others, is a skill set that can best be learned, and safely experimented with, in a group. Effective communication and emotion management are also learned skills – and a group of peers is the best place to practice them.    

Simply by interacting with someone struggling in similar ways, learning from them – and, in turn, helping them – enables recovery to bloom.

 

Group Therapy and Self Knowledge

One aspect of sexual compulsive behaviour is the struggle with self-knowledge.

A person struggling with compulsivity may common to ask: what motivates my behaviour; why this particular behaviour; why is volition and control so hard; why can’t I learn from my experience; how did I get my calculation of the risks so wrong?

In group therapy, we also ask: what needs is this behaviour really serving; is it really satisfying my longer-term needs; what is the price I am “paying” for dealing with my needs in this way; are there other ways to meet those needs at the “right price”; and what else can I do to meet my needs?

 

The “Mirror” of the Group members

By exploring these questions together in a safe space, a group can feedback their observations of each other’s journeys – and pool their collective wisdom.

Having a “mirror” of four to six people, reflecting back their experiences of who a person is, enables that person to truly see themselves as they are – perhaps for the first time.

 

Group Therapy – the Safe Space Rules

To create a safe space, the group therapy the rules are made clear.

Confidentiality is paramount. Further, members are encouraged to talk about themselves and their perspectives, and not assume or impose things on others.

Advice is offered only if expressly requested. Comments are positive and constructive; and a person’s strengths and skills are celebrated.

 

The Outcomes of Group Therapy

With the dark pall of shame lifted – what other outcomes can be expected from group therapy?

The benefits are many. Self-awareness, self-esteem, honesty, skilful management of relationships, emotions and communications – and greater motivation to stay the recovery course. 

Ultimately, not only does behaviour change, but so do perspectives and desires.

Needs are better understood and met. Purpose and meaning in life return – and having a full life becomes a probability –  not  just something other lucky people have. 

 

If you’re interested to start your CSBD group therapy journey, with a safe, non-judgmental and connected space for peer support and learning, you may want to consider writing in to clinic@promises.com.sg to be a part of our  Sex Therapy And Recovery (S.T.A.R.) program facilitated by Andrew da Roza.